Monster
by blackenedsoul
Summary: Innocence is lost in everyone, some have there's ripped away. Harry lost the last of his one night in August, when the world came crashing down. R for rape.


.·**_•Monster_**·.

****

_»For Lissy, whether she's a figment of my imagination or a reliable friend on my pillow, I love her still. «_

_And for Melissa, my partner in crime and late night porn endeavors._

"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he doesn't become a monster."

**-Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900)**

.·

_I remember it was cold out, and even though I was far too shocked and numb to feel the cold biting at my flesh, I could see my breath hanging in the air. My fingernails clawed at the ground as I was dragged by my feet, hands gripping my ankles. I was face up and all I could see was darkness. I knew who was dragging me but I could no longer see his face. I thought I was going to die out here on the fallen leaves and moonlight streaked earth. Frame by frame I saw my world ending, my life being lost among the dead leaves. I had been fighting and kicking to break free, but the hands were strong and held me tightly. My back was scraping across the ground painfully hard and my screams were lost in the cloth roughly forced into my mouth. I could hear a choir of stars singing my fate to me. _

_When we stopped my feet were dropped to the ground and I immediately lurched myself forward and onto my hands and knees, trying to bring myself to my feet to run. When I was standing, I tried to break into a run. My heart was beating hard in my chest and it was all I could hear. I didn't make it far before his hands were on me and I was being thrown to the ground again. His face was close to mine and I could feel his sickly hot breath on the side of my face. _

_"If you scream I'll kill you, I swear I'll kill you." He whispered, grasping the cloth and removing it from my mouth in one swift pull. I promptly screamed as loud as I could into the dead, silent backwoods. His hand flew out of nowhere and wrapped itself around my mouth. I was breathing hard on his hand through my nose; my eyes squeezed shut for a moment to make everything disappear. Before I had even opened my eyes again he struck me just under my eye. My head snapped back and I let out a muffled cry against his hand as my cheek stung and burned. _

_"Don't you understand? I said I'll kill you!" _

_His voice hung in the air and its familiarity hit me suddenly as I remembered who was doing this to me. I knew he was cowardly, but I never thought this was going to happen. This man owed me his life; I had spared him from the wrath of his former friends. I knew then I would never trust another man._

_He took his hand away again but I didn't scream. I knew I had to do what he wanted if I was going to live. At this moment, I was writing my tragedy, and this wasn't how I wanted my life to end. I didn't want to rot under the birch trees and early autumn sky. His clammy hands fumbled with his wand until he cut through my Weasley jumper with a severing spell, ripping it off of my tied hands. I struggled despite my own mind to obey, whimpering as he straddled my hips and held me down. _

_As he stripped me of my clothes, it was like he was peeling away layers of my flesh, my armor, my innocence. When I was bare upon the earth I was nothing, I was raw and pleading and dying at the same time. _

_"No, no please, **please** don't do this; you don't want to do this. Please…"_

_He didn't stop as he eased his pants down his sickly pale legs. His hands grasped my shoulders and I caught sight of his hands as he flipped me over. His fingernails were black like beetle's wings and the held onto my arms. _

_I remember screaming then, knowing what was coming next. He pushed my face into the grass to stop me. It was then that I slipped far into myself, far away from the backwoods and the leaves. Everything I used to be: brave, trusting, innocent, beautiful, it was all gone. I could see it swirling inside my head as it disappeared into the hole forming in the back of my mind, consuming everything. _

_I felt everything even though I was only partly there. I felt each burning kiss laid upon my back, each thrust until he was done. Tears fell from my eyes as he lifted off of me, the pain continuing as if he were still raping me._

_"You're such a pretty little thing, such a pretty little slut." _

_I'll never forget those words as long as I live. I lay against the grass, still too afraid to move as he loomed over me._

_"Did you like that?" he asked, and I could hear his footsteps and his belt clicking as he put his pants back on. _

_When I didn't answer he kicked me hard in the back. Unbelievable pain spread through my body, paralyzing me momentarily as I tried to curl up in a ball to protect myself. I bit my lip and tugged uselessly on my bonds as I sobbed in pain. He continued kicking my side and back, and I could feel something break as I struggled to catch my breath. The last kick hit the back of my head and I blacked out immediately. _

_When I came to he was already gone. Morning had come with its shades of orange and yellow. I was unable to comprehend what had happened, and I was almost certain it had been some terrible nightmare until I saw my own naked body and the bloodied leaves beneath me. I tried to draw my knees into my chest to stand, but my muscles seized up and a small moan left my throat. I found my bonds to be broken and I pulled on my jeans slowly. My Weasley jumper was beyond repair without my wand, so I left it. My bare arms were covered in goose bumps and I crossed my arms over my chest to keep warm. I managed to get to my knees and proceeded to stand on shaky legs, and began to walk slowly. I was tripping and stumbling and shivering but I just wanted to get home. I followed the path of disturbed leaves where I knew I had been dragged. I didn't know how far I was from home or how deep in the backwoods I was. I kept walking through the endless trees. Above me only a few patches of sky were visible through the thick leaves. The backwoods looked so peaceful, despite what had occurred within their borders. In side I was looking back on my life, like I was looking at a photo album. There was every beautiful thing on this earth and all I could see was my dirty fingers turning the pages. _

_The trees started to thin and I could see smoke rising from the chimney of our small farm house. I stumbled closer to the house with only one thought emerging from the troubled sea inside myself. I'm home. _

.·

Still Burning (an original poem)

_These pages hold so many_

_thoughts__ of when I was real_

_when__ I could breathe_

_when__ I could swallow _

_all__ the memories of_

_winter's__ nights when_

_we__ were infinite_

**_I want to fly from here_**

_when__ everything was good and honest_

_when__ life wasn't about surviving_

_(no one burns here like me)_


End file.
